Label of Love, Beauty & Obscurity

As you can probably tell, this book has quite an assortment of topics. I have never been a simple girl. It really doesn't require a lot to take care of myself and body. All that I have ever asked of a man is to please try to truly listen to the the words I say. Not so much how I say them.  I know my capabilities of getting extremely depressed, and it's so important that they not take it the wrong way, but instead try to see and understand what is bothering me. If that doesn't help then I may need to get back on medication. It may not seem like a lot to ask for, but it's a lot easier to describe than it is put into motion. I guess that all just depends on what and how life get's thrown at me. I certainly never intentionally ask for added pressure or confusion, let alone the lack of a supporting family. Whether it's admitted or not, I know how my family feels about me. I've never been strong enough to face things head on or deal with things in a healthy manner. Of course no one has had my brain or dealt with the same things I've dealt with to make that kind of judgement. I'm just well aware that no one is ever in a place to be able to afford helping me out anymore. Especially after all my relapses and broken promises. I suppose I have a difficult time accepting that I have to live with a disease that is treated like a criminally chosen behavior. Somehow and some way, I am always able to sniff out those types of difficulties and really use them as negatively as I can. Fortunately, that has been changing quite a bit. Balance and justice are probably the most intriguing subjects of all to try to understand. Finding the cause of an imbalance is very difficult and sometimes takes a lifetime.

That’s why I am incredibly bothered by the pharmaceutical companies, the wide division of worth based on a piece of paper, and the needless lack of communication and understanding between cultures. I realize that for most, work has a very simple meaning and that's to make a living. From a different point of view though, the effects of living a life we hate, just to get by on a daily basis seems stone age to me. I mean, this kind of forced belief is absolutely detrimental to our gainful development. Scientists are still only clear about a handful of neurotransmitters and how they affect our moods and behaviors. Yet they more than willingly toss around medication like it's candy because they're getting paid huge money to do so. It's the government's way of dealing drugs legally. There are some advances in medicine that are proven to be helpful beyond a doubt, but most psychological drugs are still in the experimental, hypothetical stages. I can't claim to know anything more than what I hear and see on television or the internet. So honestly, the only knowledge that I have that may be different from someone else's, is my life experience. I believe that a majority of our life experience should be a measure of how our value and competency levels are determined to outside entities that able to supply jobs. Unfortunately, that's just not the case. The real determining factor is always based on a certificate, legal background check and credit score.

If it were me making the judgements, I would like to know what most people do in their spare time. Is it commendable, wasteful, illegal or legal? Regardless, no answer would be right or wrong, because I would want to know more about the reasoning behind such interests. Of course, as curious as I may be, it just doesn't matter. It only matters if it's something negative. Otherwise, all the good deeds are overlooked and we become yet again, another number. If we are effecting another person's ability thrive, then that's a different story and that needs to be taken into account. Unfortunately, as redundant as I may sound, I'll mention again that it's just not how our system is set up.
Everything in this world relies heavily upon balance. Sometimes, we as individuals feel quite balanced, while other times, usually a majority of the time, we have a deep sense of imbalance, thus creating a hole that feels empty inside and produces a physical feeling of need. So, what is it that we suddenly feel the need to have? Usually it's something that the government has created as a means to control. We already have our basic needs that should be attended to on a daily basis, but now we have a whole bunch of societal needs that call for more money and less assistance. These are considered privileges. So technically, the only one responsible for making sure you have these so called privileges or needs, is you. Whether you can afford it or not, is something you must figure out on your own. Whenever the government slaps the word privilege on something, you can most likely assume that it will be out of your budget and that assistance will be very difficult to come by. Even if it does become such a necessity that would qualify as a basic need.

I finally started to regain a confidence in myself and realized that I don’t have to be defined by my past use regardless of what the legal system may advertise or try to have others believe. At the risk of sounding like a victim, this was not an easy label to overcome and my humanized nature will always have that experience to use as a tool for getting angry. As records started becoming more available on the internet, claiming that citizens have a right to know the criminal history of others, I started fighting for my rights as a human being and to a life of privacy, especially when that privacy is compromised and starts to effect my safety, well being, sanity and pocketbook. Although I do agree with our right to know if a sexual predator or murderer moves into our neighborhood, I do not believe it does anyone any good to have their misdemeanors and felonies follow them around like an advertisement with a loud speaker. It is inhumane and shows just how ineffective our legal system is and how its priorities are so misplaced that it’s no wonder we walk around in a state of fear and confusion. Usually that fear and confusion is covered up by so much brainwashing, that most of us don’t even recognize it.

In all actuality, as I discovered this internet terrorism against criminals and sometimes, as in my case, a criminal hand picked as a result of lacking the proper supporting evidence to prove me innocent. Of course, this country believes that we're all innocent until proven guilty. At least that's what I was always taught. I'm finding however, that as of late, most of what I was taught in school is simply not true. Yet every school in the world wants me to enroll in their programs. Either way, I have found that it’s not just criminals being targeted. It’s everyone.

If you hold a bank account, you can become victim of identity theft and even worse yet, bank fraud that seems to be popping up more frequently. So now who are we supposed to trust with our money? My answer is no one. There is no concern for the safety or privacy of anyone, yet the legal system boasts about its war against crime. I guess that’s their way of claiming their power and our lack of knowing any better as citizens. As if we’re placed here to be no more than hamsters on their hamster wheel, producing enough electricity for their cozy offices. Our privacy is no longer respected while our ability to obtain gainful employment is now a hope only seen in the foggy distance of the past. Tell me how the justice system is truly able to rehabilitate criminals. Who decides the seriousness of a crime and how did we ever elect a board of judges that could be so ruthless and callous, when they are the very ones that determine the outcome of some of our futures. Sometimes the same people in need of the most public assistance, are the ones who end up behind bars, because there are so many factors against them.

After quite some time, I was able to look back at my experience and laugh. It really isn’t a laughing matter, but the fact that I could even produce a laugh after such torture and inhumane treatment, proved to me that I could do so much more than just write a blurb in my novel about it. Whether anything comes of it is not up to me, but I can at least say that I have done my part. Our counties and local governments do not understand how to provide reasonable resources for those in need. Not too long after the unnecessary twenty-three days spent in Maricopa County Jail, I spent another nine days in Will County Jail in Joliet, Illinois. Nine days turned out to be my only sentence outside of the two years probation. This was my first ever criminal charge and the judge spoke to me in a way that made it seem as though he was upset I wasn't getting three to five years in prison. I realized that I would have been better off representing myself. There was absolutely no discussion of the twenty-three days I had just spent in Maricopa County Jail, nor the five additional days it took to ride back to Illinois with both my hands and ankles shackled, sitting upright on a piece of plywood. My attorney claimed that the judge knew about that, but if it was ever truly discussed, there was no explanation offered about why I never received any kind of credit for the days I already served.

I later read the statement from the lawyer, and nowhere did it mention my turning myself in and spending that time locked up. I got no credit for days and no credit for taking my attorney’s advice, which was more than just bad advise. It effected the overall outcome of the case. I suppose my attorney was too embarrassed to mention his error in judgement. It didn't seem to faze him that I was about to spend another nine days in tortuous hell. My financial status depleted to the point of poverty and despite two years of attempting to turn that around, while pregnant, I still was unable to yield any results. I haven't seen or heard an ounce of remorse, or acceptance of responsibility that our government should be taking for allowing doctors to prescribe pills that cause people to fall asleep, sleep walk and do things that they normally wouldn't do. All this without a single memory of what they had done. That combined with alcohol, which really does the same thing, is now our responsibility to make sure that these drugs do not breakdown and affect us in a way that we cannot scientifically or physiologically control. There was something terribly wrong with the system and to this day, I will continue to fight for my rights. It seems as though no one else would be willing to do it for me, even after contacting the State’s Attorney General's Office numerous times with no response. I have also sent letters, with no response. It has become clear to me that my privacy was being intruded and I might be the only one willing to try to correct it.
The timing was terrible. It confused everything for me. I couldn’t understand or comprehend whether I was supposed to be trusting the sudden hacks that took over both of my computers. It was something I had never experienced before. At first, it seemed informative and fun. I knew I signed up as an Apple developer, but only as a creative designer. For the most part, these hackers appeared to be helping me, but on more than a dozen random occasions, I would receive demeaning remarks along with important music files and documents that I could physically see being removed from my computer. Otherwise, I would notice a full trash bin and when opening it, I would find similar important programs, bank statements, accounting files, and even poetry I had written. There were a few times that I didn't check before deleting and suddenly my entire Microsoft Office for Mac disappeared. It appeared to be there in form, but the applications would no longer open. I got really scared when the first copy of my book was hijacked. It had everyone’s original name in it and quite honestly, was still formatted in its original drunken format. 

In no time at all, did I start noticing my story displayed as screenplays for television shows and upcoming movies. No one believed me and probably never will. I would really like to ask that just for a moment, you take a fun look at how all the movies tied together. Although it wasn’t particularly fun for me, I feel as though if I describe as something like “scary,” I would be giving off the wrong impression. So, take a look at a majority of the movies out now or that came out last year. ‹Identity Theft› ‹Wreck it Ralph› ‹Lincoln› ‹The Hobbit› ‹Silver Lining› ‹Something in The Air› ‹The Hunger Games› ‹Blue is Warmest Color› ‹What to Expect When You're Expecting› ‹21 Jump Street› ‹Side Effects› and even the movie ‹Ted.› If the writer of that movie had nothing to do with any of this, than I am shocked. I obviously won’t name names, even though most people know the fella I’m thinking. If I put all the pieces together for you, you might care just a little, or you might care even less. But here it goes, I see these images on The computer. The guy that has been wanting me to move out to LA seemed to be contacting me through the computer. It was very strange. I could fill in reCAPTCHA’s over and over, and the answer would never right, because it’s not the hint he was trying to give me. Mark Wahlbergs’s movies were all over Directv. They played one where he was trying to protect an Asian girl. They played “Fear” with Alyssa Silverstone, which featured the Sunday’s version of “Wild Horses,” the same version I used to cover, but was originally the Rolling Stones. Who just came around on tour. Mark Wahlberg looks almost identical to my brother and the fact he starred in the movie ‹TED› that I though was released two years prior, but I guess they held off for some reason. It didn’t really make any sense why they would hold off for so long to release the movie ‹TED.› Speaking of TED, all of a sudden there’s a podcast about “Ideas Worth Spreading,” which is really a group of people, but TED is the main guy. If I had to compare, which I don’t like to, because the resemblance of what they stand for are quite different, but I would say David Icke. I remember posting a podcast of a woman in 2010 who was the lead speaker with Ted on that occasion, who suffered a stroke in the shower. She was the only one who was ever able to explain perfectly the feelings of bliss that experienced in 2008,  just before Obama was elected. I don’t believe it was because of Obama, I just recall that was when it happened. It So, why all of a sudden now? My daughter dies, I can’t get the assistance I need from the state, and I was feeling incredibly alone.  Now, every corner I turn, I’m surrounded by what appear to be coincidences, and reminders of the last two years I had lived through, but in all actuality, they were just symbols. We had Bill Gates, Mary Taylor Moore, Paul Newman, George Constanza, and Kirsten Synema who were up for elections along with the other more well known politicians. I’ll just list off the rest of the movie connections because this could go on all night. So, Alicia Silverstone is in ‹Clueless› with the newbie at the time, Brittany Murphy. She passed away not too long ago, and it shocked the world. Then there was Whitney Houston last year, who was also featured on Virginia Records right after Michael Jackson was featured. However, Brittany’s death was a complete mystery. I believe she was in a movie with Russell Brand and Brand was rather close with Amy Winehouse. I watched her show last year on Palladia and she couldn’t stop boasting and laughing about how drunk she was. It was so fake. Okay, so back to the movie TED, the beautiful Mila Kunis plays these goofy voice over roles on shows like the ‹Family Guy.› It makes no sense, when she so easily fit the role with Natalie Portman in the ‹Black Swan.› Now where did she go? She’s been missing more quite a while now and Mila Kunis is everywhere. Tosh O seemed like he was seriously looking through my television at me and all the while, my Father was telling me things that happened to me, before I even told him. All these spiritual people that I was very well aware of seemed to start having this huge impact upon people in 2012. Just a year prior, I barely had anyone to talk to about that kind of stuff. People looked at me like I had three heads. Anyone who is a friend of mine on Facebook know that I used to post only the most philosophical statements or questions. Most of which just got ignored

    So, here I am, it’s 2012, I finally found a website that I really wanted. 
    VirginiaRecords.com. There would be no more confusion about my last name. Now sud          denly, after buying the domain, a day later, the site is fully up and it’s already got          a list of famous people with their new CD’s listed. Only thing is that it’s just a pass through site. You can’t purchase anything from them, you click on a link and it passes you off to some international distributer. How the heck did that happen? I already had VirginiaTraut.com taken from me, why was it that people wanted my things? I didn’t have anything. The very little that I ever have is always being taken away from me somehow. So, I take a few moments to look at the artist’s and their album titles.I hate to say it be I became absolutely livid when I saw the album titled “Lotus” by Christina Aguilera, Will.i.a.m with the script, Girl on Fire by Alicia Keys, One Direction who’s original symbol was a ∞ which according to our “special characters” menu symbolizes Infinity. Then there’s Pink who is all of a sudden singing “the truth about love” and just so many others that were way too coincidental for that moment in my life. Moving on, Ted is also an extremely amazing speaker and he has his own podcast that discusses peaceful living and just over all facts that are interesting and “should be known.” Then we’ve got   It may be difficult to see the similarities just by the names, but if you have seen the movies, very obvious correlations can be drawn to my life. In a way that no one could ever know anything about unless having read my book. Then people you’ve never met before are starting to take your picture in public, it seems obvious that there is something going on and is most likely deeper than I could ever prepare myself for in such a short period. This was around the time that I started receiving strange emails and offers from illegitimate companies constantly seeking my donations and monthly subscriptions. It was like as if the one attack that I was 100% certain had not only violated my privacy but extorted money from my account, to have my information immediately removed from their website.

None of this was done and my photographs continued to spread. Mugshots that insinuate an arrest in states that I had never done anything more than just passed through during my travels. This spiraled into a full nine months of ongoing internet abuse, that soon led to my full claim of identity theft, as companies I had never heard of started charging my bank accounts. What was it that these people were trying to prove? I understand now, after New Year's Eve that I am perceived as responsible (at least according to the closest people I have in my life). After thirteen years of using the internet for the marketing of my music, I am suddenly the responsible party for the theft of my identity.

As much as I value the opinions of others, such as my father’s and boyfriend’s, I will not allow them to bully me into thinking it’s my fault. Just as a correction, I do not value most of their opinions. I’m speaking of two individuals who have absolutely no joy in their lives, so the best I can do is hope they decide to make that change for themselves one day. Before their time on Earth is lost and forever forgotten. They have proven to be of the least support and motivating factors to me. Even with my music, which anyone who knows me, knows that to be my passion in life.